Dad

My Dad passed away Jan 27 2017.

I cannot say everything about him that matters to me, but here are some of the things I want to share.

His passing was not an utter shock, but still unwelcome.  His heart had been slowly getting worse, he had had a heart attack many years ago, and it was functioning under 25% according to his doctor in spring of 2016.

No one lives forever, and during my grandmother's eulogy, my dad mentioned how lucky he was to have been with his mom as long as he had.  I can now echo that sentiment, having been very glad to spend a couple months with him during the last few summers.  It is part of life to lose some of the ones we love, and it is natural that a child out live the parent, but that does not mean we have to like it.

We all see people from various points of view.  I know that my brother Glen had a totally different experience growing up as the son of my father than I did.  We have talked about that a bit.  My other brother, Lyle also had a different perspective than either Glen or me.

I have long known that we present different aspects of or selves to others, and that the face I show my daughter is not the same as the one I show my friends, and that is different from what I show the general public.

This means to me when you give the list of associations, each one is from a different perspective, thus we have son, brother, friend, boyfriend, co-worker, lover, husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather and others.  It is all of those aspects and more that make up a life.  The face that he showed to me is one I will always treasure and trust.

There is a fear in those considerably younger than my Dad that anything less than a great or extraordinary life is somehow a failure.

To me this is far from true, and my father achieved a life story of great worth by being a good man.  That was all he really strove for, it was more than enough for him.  The number of people he called friend, the number who loved him for who he was and the joy and humour he gave relationships was all he needed.  Although I wish he had lived longer, I doubt he thought he could have lived better.

 I can imagine that as a youth he was more than a bit wild, and got in more than his share of fights and scrapes, but I also imagine that he rarely if ever let down a friend.  I know he did his best in my raising.  He could have been better in a few things, but I also could have been way better kid, and he did a lot to show as well as teach me how to be better.

The older I get the more I realize how much he taught me, and how much more he taught me by example, rather than in the words he said or punishments or rewards I received.

There are many words that briefly sum up a life.  Beloved is one.  It encompasses so much and yet says so little.  It is a word that lets you fill in the blanks and allows you to see the emotions he shared with the ones he could call intimates.  Playful, the way his humour was always hiding somewhere just below the surface.  Honest, I doubt he ever applied that word to himself, but it is one many others have used to describe him.  Willing, he was never real generous with money, but always generous with his time and always willing to help those in need.

The words 'I love you' did not come from him often, but that did not matter to me either growing up or later in life.  He did not really need to say the obvious, and his attitude and warmth to me said far more than his words ever did.

He rarely swore.  Only once can I remember him really swearing.  We were doing some spring work on the farm, and there was a rock he wanted to get rid of from the field.  Rather than break out the tractor and rockpicker, he drove up to it in the half ton and we lifted it into the back.  About 3/4 of the way up his back went out, and he quietly said fuck.  It was amazing to me how much emotion and venting could be laden in a truly soft voice and a single word.

When you grow up in a stable family. there are many things you take for granted.  One of those things is the relationship between your parents.  Until I experienced  life, love and divorce for myself, I had no idea just how special a marriage that lasts could be.  Dad was surprised that his marriage had stood the test of time for over 65 years and was still in love with mom.  It was not the thought of the marriage lasting that long, nor the love between them that surprised him, but the fact that he was still alive to experience it.

What he taught me, how he showed me what he felt about me will be with me for forever.  

I love and miss you Dad.